the run away

I remember the first time I saw you I thought
you looked like mischief made flesh and oh god
Was that ever my weakness
I loved your full name but you liked to go by X
And I made a joke about you being one of superman’s villains
You threatened to spray me with Windex for my sass
You called me a brat.
I decided I wanted you right then, right there.

Our conversations always went like that.
We flirted relentlessly as only we were capable of doing with each other,
while bystanders waited for fur and fists to fly
Because people didn’t know we were flirting.
I wasn’t sure we were flirting.
Just that my body turned stressed when you would come up behind me to check my progress
I could feel the challenge in your voice when you pointed out I couldn’t help making a mess, could I?
I called you monster
You called me menace
I stared hard at your mouth waiting for you to kiss me, to get close enough to feel the heat from your cheeks
And you knew
You knew you made me nervous, made my hands twitch and my pulse beat
Instead I got an impish smirk and a “Get back to work.”
And sexual tension to choke me for days.
So I wore distracting skirts
And tried to make sure THAT debt was repaid.

I tried to describe you in a way people might understand but I didn’t know how to do it without making myself sound crazy
So I just spat out phrases
Hoping someone would get it.
It didn’t feel like enough.
“She’s wildfire. She’s a field of thorns. She’s Loki in female form. She’s drops of water when you haven’t had water in days. She’s pleasure and pain. She’s like a wild animal. She makes me insane. She isn’t heaven. I like it when she kisses me hard and calls me brat.”
I don’t think I ever told you that.
It never felt like I described you right.
And I’m sorry. I never told you what it felt like to be with you those nights
How it felt to sink into you, to watch you move and feel the way you kiss
And bite and hear the way you hissed when one of us moved just right
How I struggled to keep up with your clever tongue and words you whispered meant to keep me on my toes
The way you made me earn every moan because you’d be damned if I was going to get lazy on your watch
And I never thanked you.
We knew you wouldn’t be a heaven
But maybe a salvation
I never thanked you for kissing me through confession
I never thanked you for each scratch
Each laugh
Each encounter that left me feeling like I’d run through the woods with wolves at my back
Each moment you made me chase you like I would prey and each moment that you made me say your name just to prove you could.
Or the way you made me pick myself up from the floor
And reminded me that it was okay to cry
Over a failed engagement
And it was okay to be tough too
And refuse to cry at all
That it was okay to not want heaven,
Or not know what I wanted yet
I was 22, who said I had to be set?

I never thanked you
I paid your body tribute but never told you of the nature you tore out of me, something I hadn’t seen or allowed myself to ever dream about
You turned me into something wild and brave, unafraid of being caught in the leaves with a lover, and taking chances on the games other people play
Something human, after forgetting what it felt like to feel that way and still
Something animal, that wanted someone’s blood and someone’s bed
Something that told me I wasn’t yet at the end of my life
Something that could outrun the night
And I knew the moment we shared the kiss that pushed us into “fight or flight”

I’m sorry I was a coward
And I left you in the night.


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