by-the-book hysteria

You think I’m keeping it together 
I’m struggling
The words tumbling from my mouth sound wrong, muddled
The mind like a river dragging a log
The pain makes them feel loaded like a gun
Sitting on my tongue 
Ready to fire but the gun is stuck
   “I’m sorry”
It stings, burns 
Pricks the corner of my eyes
I feel the creak of the bed we shared in my bones
I told you I was bad at apologies, and “I miss you” seems harsh and I regret the way I say it 
It doesn’t fall sweetly from my lips the way our whispers did a month ago 
I say I miss you and it’s the hardest, 
The heaviest sound,
like a thousand pounds of earth dropped into my throat
And I can’t say your name
I tried but it sticks and it stabs, 
It aches
It bleeds
like wine that was left uncorked too long, my lips tingle like I’m about to be sick
Please, say something 
I can’t speak anymore
And your eyes are studying the white-knuckled grip on myself
So hard it makes my soul sink to the floor
I hate your silence
Your vicious silence
Please say something 
I love you
I love you
Please say something
I love you 
love you 
Say something 


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