Go back.
No, a little further, not there.
Everything was already in pieces around us like a wine-glass that couldn’t be repaired
This was the last time I saw you.
We smiled tightly at strangers
at each other
And went to dinner together
People could think us a couple but they usually first think we’re siblings
it used to be amusing
We’re standing next to each other but it feels like the grand canyon is between us
and it’s easier for us to hurl insults across the gap
Rather than whisper apologies that might actually carry
how long has it been like that?
Go back more.
Go back to before
my heart grew sore with the weight of all that isn’t working out.
Before you stored stories in my now distorted mind.
They say that healing takes time.
But, I would rather they take the time.
I don’t want to remember all of the things you forgot here.
Not here where he can see
where our life together is displayed like it would be on TV
some great love story that resembles a cheap horror movie
don’t watch him forget how to speak
don’t watch how much it aggravates me
Make a map of my misery and pretend it’s wonderful to have company
It’s half comforting to know that I’ll forget the unwanted business that accompanied me.
Lie, come clean, then say, “I love you.”
Now I don’t believe the truth
Unless there’s pain attached.
Get rid of that.
Take an ax
to all of the memories I have of his laugh
throw them in the trash with his sweaters and clever quotes
take from my head our dates in the cold
I don’t want to realize why I feel so alone in my home
Omit the misses I dreamed of making her.
Silence my hands’ calls for her fingers
Make me a child once more.
Let me forget what I was ever crying for.
I need this.
I can’t remember a life worth having before
You.
Erase me too.
I am
if only because I don’t know what to do without you
I’m erasing you and I’m happy.
And I’m lying, badly
Isn’t this what I’m supposed to do?
Be proud of denying my desire to be close to you?
How many fights does it take
to break
apart a union like ours?
We need a break.
I’ve been talking to the rubble
And sleepwalking through the cuddles
Trying to muzzle my restless mind.
And knuckle in, find
Out what you think.
All while you’ve been huddled in your own piece of mind.
Oh god,
What?
They’re really doing it.
They who?
They’re erasing you from my life
I don’t like this,
It’s too late
Call it off,
this isn’t right.
Help me remember
Tell me again how you liked that I was nice
Tell me how that became our first fight
Just tell me you remember our very first night–
Our honeymoon on ice
Of course, I said I’d marry you and you said, “I do.”
Sitting in silence on a frozen lake, I didn’t want to break the ice.
I could’ve laid there for the rest of my life.
But, with a bright light…I told four years of my life, “Goodnight.”
Go back.
Go back to that time we watched the moon die and the sun rise
Wrapped up in a blanket from a bed shared so often it became ours
Go back to when we talked about moving far,
far away from our dead-end jobs killing our minds
far from judging eyes
and the bills we didn’t pay on time
Go back to when we were dreamers.
Leaders of our own paths.
The world was our oyster. You voiced your
Opinions and I loved you for it.
The world couldn’t tell us shit!
But, now we’ve amounted to this.
Confessions of a poisonous love, left in an office.
Still trying to trace the causes.
How did I not notice becoming an alcoholic?
I hope that they fucking come soon.
I’m being consumed by the weight of this waiting room.
Wait,
I’ve changed my mind
The weight in my heart is too heavy to throw away so casually
I don’t want to turn off the smile that breaks across your face
They’re erasing us faster than inappropriate laughter at a funeral
I don’t want to finish this race to erase you
but I can’t keep up the pace when they know where the finish line finishes us.
Will I miss it enough?
Finishing up another pack.
Cigarettes like my thoughts, drag racing.
But, I keep misplacing my reason to leave.
Until I remember that you did it to me.
When I would’ve done anything to keep you.
No, you need to
Remember our first night. A Sip and Paint.
I was so focused on the easel.
I couldn’t leave you
alone.
I was turning 26.
Me too.
I wondered if it was love you tasted in the cake I fed you.
I was piling all of the colors on the canvas
And..you looked at me
when no one ever looked at me
I remember I got so angry
because I’d exhausted every color but didn’t
find the right one for your eyes
Before that night, I never tried
I remember the way you laughed and said
Go back.
We need an ending
to have a beginning
to our history.
No matter what we do
it keeps continuing
Go back
Go back and tell me we can start from the top
Tell me it doesn’t stop even when the clock stops
Today’s my birthday
I’m 32
So are you
This is the night I met you.
I’m gonna marry you.
Go back.
To the way you taught me how to attack with words
that could cut deep and managed to heal me with the kiss you snuck when I least expected it
To every mauling cry. My eyes say so much that I pull most of my thoughts from tear stains.
To our first song we listened to together while we slow-danced at 2 a.m.
under the outside light of a bar
and we didn’t even bother going in.
“I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh.”
Go back.
To the holiday cheers
To the food made with spoiled milk. That night I learned it only takes a day for things to go bad, no matter how hard you tried.
To the things you came to collect before you left
Back and forth. Go back to the fourth
May the fourth!
You don’t even like Star Wars
But, I couldn’t let you go solo.
No one should be alone on their birthday
Go back.
to the ends of the earth I promised you
to escape
to the train to Montauk for the vacation we took when you ditched work
Stop.
Here.
What are you doing here alone?
No one showed.
I just don’t invite them.
Yeah, but it’s my birthday.
Mine too!
Today, I turned 63.
Scoot over, I’ll sit with ya.
Why are you looking at me like that?
I’m just wondering where you’ve been all of my life.
agathokakological 