by-the-book hysteria

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You think I’m keeping it together 
But
I’m struggling
The words tumbling from my mouth sound wrong, muddled
The mind like a river dragging a log
The pain makes them feel loaded like a gun
Sitting on my tongue 
Ready to fire but the gun is stuck
   “I’m sorry”
It stings, burns 
Pricks the corner of my eyes
I feel the creak of the bed we shared in my bones
I told you I was bad at apologies, and “I miss you” seems harsh and I regret the way I say it 
It doesn’t fall sweetly from my lips the way our whispers did a month ago 
I say I miss you and it’s the hardest, 
The heaviest sound,
like a thousand pounds of earth dropped into my throat
And I can’t say your name
I tried but it sticks and it stabs, 
It aches
It bleeds
Bittersweet
like wine that was left uncorked too long, my lips tingle like I’m about to be sick
Please, say something 
I can’t speak anymore
And your eyes are studying the white-knuckled grip on myself
So hard it makes my soul sink to the floor
I hate your silence
Your vicious silence
Please say something 
I love you
I love you
Please say something
I love you 
love you 
Say something 
I

the unquiet

January
So
We don’t talk about it
We’ve never talked about it
We’ve had stolen looks
Innocent touches
Cigarettes smoked at 1 a.m. when no one else is stirring
Each others body language that we’ve been reading
We’ve had one stolen kiss
We’ve had, now two, impassioned nights
And we’ve never really talked about it
We’ve never returned to the admission of our mutual attraction and more-than-friendship
The knowing grins that sit on our lips
We’ve never admitted to anything
Not since our first kiss
I don’t know why we don’t talk about it
I don’t know if it’s because I like you more than you like me
Or maybe you think
you like me more than I could like you
But that’s not true
Maybe we’re both just really confused
But we wouldn’t know
Because we’ve never talked about it

July
So,
You left today.
It’s been one week and two days
Since our first and last time making love
In the pitch black of a room
Where I lay
Under your weight
My skirt hiked up, garters and tights pressed into thighs
Shirt undone
Skin and lips buzzing
Everything in me and around you heating up
While you pushed yourself into me
Quietly
Because we can’t wake your roommate
Because we’re doing something wrong
Because I think we’d been imagining this for way too long
Because anything other than the nails I’m digging into your flesh or the hand you have in my hair might ruin the moment
Because it’s killing me to be quiet
When I want to tell you how good this feels
Because this is the only time we’ve been free together
Because if feels like I’ve wanted this forever

January
I let you get away with more than some women might
Because I don’t like to have pointless fights
Because I really don’t care if I don’t see you or talk to you every single night
Because between us, everything has felt natural and right
And it doesn’t have to mean the world
It doesn’t have to mean “the one” has been found
Or that you even have to stick around
And we know that
So why is so hard for us to simply make a sound?
In a silent room,
With no one around
Now’s a good time to time to talk about whatever we’ve found…
Or we can sit
And stare
Like our silence isn’t just as loud.